Tiffany Nicole 6/27/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/27/16

savoring the year: brother prayers {27/365 }

If you have a sibling, take a few minutes to thank God for that relationship, for that life, and for the memories you share.

I am the fourth born to my mom out of seven. The middle child. My brother, Rich, was the first, followed by Debbie almost two years later and then Mandi graced the world two years after her. There is a four year gap between Mandi and I and then nineteen months later, Carrie arrived. Nearly four years later Nick was born and finishing our family, Naloni was born four years later. Seventeen years span from the oldest to the youngest. And yes, we were raised Mormon in case you were wondering. It was a common question growing up, though I hardly understood the ties at the time.

Growing up, friends asked if I was adopted due to the lack of resemblance among my siblings. My dad's complexion is dark, mirroring his Hawaiian and Filipino heritage, while my mom is all things white and boasts blonde hair and blue eyes and fair skin. Her features are the ones that I reflect, with skin that likes to redden, instead of tan, unlike my siblings who glow in the sun.

We do share a common nose, the one of my dad and my mom's smile. And there are pieces here and there that if you look closely, you can see, though most think we are merely friends rather than siblings.

But we do share the same parents, despite the questions of onlookers who had to clarify with my mom if our dads were the same. Once, mom did respond sarcastically to a lady in the store after answering the question numerous times, naming different dads for each of us. She was the bakers and she was the butchers. He was the milk mans. And we are not sure about her. The lady walked away speechless with eye brows raised.

I have never been able to imagine what it would be like to live without siblings; I am ever grateful for mine. We always had someone to watch and listen to and play with and learn from. Not always the best things to learn but we learned them all the same.

Rich taught us at an early age about entrepreneurship with his rental property. He marketed his spacey, luxurious room for a nominal fee to my older sisters for occasional use. He worked hard and had fun, sometimes a little too much and showed us what not to mimic, like his high school prank of putting memorial benches on top of the building.

Debbie taught us gymnastics and how to walk on our hands around the house and just how cool Rocky Balboa was. She showed us the best places to hide at the top of the closet, though mom warned me not to imitate that either. She taught us beauty tips like face masks and things to make your hair shine and boys.

Mandi showed us the value of practice, even if it meant practicing her flute in the garage. She never gave up and tried her best. She taught us to keep going even when it was hard. And about instant messaging and computer stuff. She always seemed to know.

Carrie showed us how to voluntarily pass out at school and horribly forge our parents' signature and try to convince the teacher it was legit. Carrie showed us how to trust people, especially Disney princesses, as she made her way around Disneyland with princess Jasmine.

Nick was the baby but not quite. He was always a sport, even letting us dress him up in our doll clothes before he could talk. He was concerned about staying out of trouble and let us know that if we were bad then we would have to put an Always pad over our mouth, even demonstrating it for us. We were thankful for the suggestion but never instilled this practice in to action.

Naloni was the baby and was just that. He was loved on bit extra by everyone and coddled a little more. We laughed at the way he said "mac - woni" for macaroni and carried him everywhere. He was constantly being held and mistaken for Debbie's son.

A short snit bit cannot do justice the thankfulness and love for all the years we shared the same address and presents under the tree and birthday parties and late night swims under the stars and movie nights and the lessons along the way. For memories that have been and for those to come, I am ever grateful.

Here's to siblings.

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This is part of a 365 day blogging series through Savor by Shauna Niequist. If you would like to blog along, whether daily or weekly, I would love to have you for the journey; be sure to link back to the post. And if you are not a blogger, you can join along, too. Just leave your response and answers in the comments.

Tiffany Nicole 6/26/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/26/16

savoring the year: a surprising transformation {26/365}

Have you seen moving and surprising transformations in the lives of the people you love? What was that like?

Ricardo and I became roommates after he graduated high school. Believing in God was something we both held in common but following Jesus was another we had yet to touch. One Christmas, while gathered at my Mom's house, my Aunt Pam was among the celebration. It had been years since we had been in the same room, a time I could not remember if I had to.

She was always so fun to be around growing up. Laughter was a constant and toys guaranteed but her presence never was. She would cancel last minute when we were hoping to see her. Disappointed once again, my mom told her over the phone that she was going to stop telling us when she was coming to visit, so we would not get our hopes us, as I listened from outside the door.

What I lacked in knowledge then, I understood later. My aunt lived a different life style and always came to visit with her friend, a friend that was a girl and shared a bed with her. Her friends were always sweet, playing with us and braiding our hair and I never thought anything of it. As I got older, it became common knowledge that my aunt was a lesbian and she liked to party, have her drugs and smoke them, too.

When we met again that Christmas, I had a hard time believing the stories that she told about Jesus and how he had saved her and how she was no longer a lesbian after all these years and her concern about us living together before we were married. I stood next to Ricardo, listening to these words and wondering what she was smoking now, in disbelief, while she sat on the edge of the fireplace ledge looking up at us. Ricardo had never met her and I had to catch him up on her background and such as we left.

It was a while before we saw her again but she still claimed her same salvation through Jesus and denied any claims of being a lesbian. During this time God starting revealing himself to us and we found him, too as we started attending the college group at my aunt's church.

And as we saw her more frequently, her claims become more apparent in her personality and her transformation was solid. She spoke encouraging words to us as learned the ropes of what it meant to follow Jesus, always supporting us in any way possible like being our last minute babysitter and getting certified for respite care once we became foster parents.

God has used her to teach me lessons, like how to get used to people stopping by unannounced, even though I always thought I welcomed it, and how to let go of my children a bit more as they enjoyed time with her in her blue Ford truck. She has taken pleasure in being an aunt a second time around and we have been blessed to have her. She has traded alcohol for Dr. Pepper and zeal for the world in to boldness for Jesus. These days she is serving in prison ministry and helping out friends whose husbands have passed and taking care of her Chihuahua.

What I love about God is his relentless pursuit for us since the fall in the garden of Eden. No matter how far lost we think someone is, there is always an encounter with Jesus that can change everything. Even the family member we have deemed unable to be saved. Nothing is impossible with the Lord.

Here's to surprises and transformation.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/25/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/25/16

savoring the year: a new way of living in my body {25/365}

How have your feelings about your body changed over the years? Do you ever think of it as a friend? Do you have compassion toward it? What would that look like for you?

I have to say I was a little bummed when I read over this prompt; once again talking about my body. I touched on these questions on this post and some on this one and even a bit here. I think it may be making me a little self conscious with all the attention it has been getting lately.

It seems like I will have to inevitably move on to describing my body in detail, like its pear shape that my sweet fashion teacher surprisingly pointed out to the class, as I stood next to the cutting table lining up my pattern to cut during our lecture on body shapes and outfits that flatter them.

Naturally, I will then move on to scars, like the one on my right pinky where the sharper than normal butter knife slipped and cut to the bone. And the shiny rectangle one on my left leg, on the bottom of my knee where several layers of skin were scratched off by the corner of the TV in my shared room, after my sister in her anger threw it on the ground in front of the door and my unsuspecting self knew nothing about it when I entered.

All that to say, yes I like my body and I am ever grateful for it. It is a sweet friend, who has put up with a lot and thankfully still works as it should, even when I indulge in too much chocolate.

I do not think I can squeeze out anymore about it at this point and will bow out of this, a little shorter than usual, as is my height. And hoping you are loving the skin you are in, too because it is quite fabulous, friend.

Here's to more stuff about bodies.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/24/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/24/16

savoring the year: on shame {24/365}

How does shame haunt you? What would it look like to let God's love be your shield against the voice of shame? How might your life change? How might you change?

I sat in the front row teetering my pencil between my fingers as I listened to my fifth grade teacher lecture. She stood in front of the white board, nearly directly in front of me, moving her hands as she spoke and her shoulder length dark hair following. I listened and the pencil danced to its own rhythm between my index and middle fingers until somewhere between the to and fro, it projected forward. Straight at my teacher.

Shocked by what just happened I sunk in to my desk. My teacher, shocked as well, asked for whom ever threw the pencil to come pick it up. I did not throw it, I thought. There was no intentionality. No fore thought. No aim could have made it maneuver the way it did. It just happened. Some mandatory part of physics with the object in motion and the moving. It happened so fast.

I could not move. For the life of me I could not look at her or get my body to move out of my seat. I was glued. My face red and hot. My heart pounding in my chest. All eleven years of brain activity shutting down.

And she waited.

She waited for the perpetrator to gather the weapon, announcing she would sit at her desk until it was picked up.

After what seemed like an eternity, my feet moved, though my body still felt paralyzed and I could not think clearly, I managed to pick it up and return to my desk.

I was humiliated. The class knew it was me. She knew it was me. I felt awful. Full of shame and regret and vowed never to tweedle my pencil or any other object again in class after this freak accident, playing it over in my head.

Shame has its way of replaying worst parts, whether as bad as we felt or otherwise, over and over. Shame makes us the culprit and the one who messed up, making everything our fault; even circumstances out of our control or unplanned.

Since listening to God and following his leading, shame is a little easier to spot and usually sounds silly once it is said aloud. Things that are playing around in our heads tend to sound not so daunting when they are spoken and can been seen as they truly are - lies and life taking. Shame cannot hide in the face of God's love and or stand in the face of his truth, which is why knowing truth is so important, as well as believing it.

Living a life believing truth is freeing and allows for growth and new perspective. And it is a constant reminder. Not something that comes naturally, for me anyway. It is a continual process of seeing the bigger picture and not letting silly things like pencils flying bring me down and allowing God to

speak and move and beginning to grasp his love through it all.

Here's to less shame and God's love prevailing.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/23/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/23/16

savoring the year: here i come {23/365}

Our bodies are amazing gifts from a loving God. What would it take for you to live well in your body this season?

It is a wonder at just how much our bodies are a gift from God because it has been ours from the day we were born. It is a constant, though it may change with each year, as the numbers on the scale fluctuate and lines form across the skin, it is still ours and still holding us together. It is full of functions and protocols and systems that I cannot name but God knows. He knows what needs to do what and he created them to be so.

I cannot pretend to know the body or biology because I do not. Biology was one of my least favorite subjects in school, though now I find interesting in new light with God as the creator of it all. But it is still systems and more functions than I can comprehend and have long forgotten since my freshman high school class, where we dissected a worm and then frog and culminated with a rat that we cut the toe nails off, one accidentally landing in the hair of the girl in front of us. So many parts, teeny and seemingly useless but each part playing an important role.

I once heard of a man being so engrossed in thanksgiving to God that he named each system in his body, thanking God for each part. Each part that made up his body, that allowed it to move and flow and inhale and exhale and be alive. It sounds so grandiose to be able to do such a thing, to know each inner part and thank God for each one and it is but for me, I am perfectly content with naming the things I can see and remember; he knows that is not my area of expertise but thankfulness is developed none the less.

And I think that is what loving my body this season looks like.

Loving my body this season is taking it in for all its worth, thanking God for mobility and for each limbs working properly. It is taking the time to thank God for my feet that walk effortlessly around the house picking up toys for the eighty second time today and for my hands that scrub dish after dish, colored in each shade of the rainbow and for my eyes that have witnessed each season of growth and maturity in my children. Thanksgiving for ears that hear them call my name in the middle of the night when I am sound asleep and thanksgiving for arms to hug and comfort.

It is about remembering to love the skin I have been created in.

Here's to bodies and living well.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/22/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/22/16

savoring the year: summer at the lake {22/365}

Embrace the joys of summer by dancing, swimming, sailing, wriggling your toes in the sand, or even just feeling the sun on your face.

I love summer. California summer to be exact because it is not the same everywhere. It has its own smell that draws out memories and curates new ones, like long summer nights and the smell of water running from a sun heated hose on to plants and toes.

Oceans and lakes and rivers and pools have always been some of my favorite things.The beach is my favorite with its salty air and almost always guaranteeing a breeze. In high school Santa Cruz and its famous boardwalk became an essential part of summer.

It started with a trip with Kristina and Matt and their dad and my then boyfriend Dave and Ricardo and his little brother, Chris, all picked in their Astro van. Kristina's dad entertained us on the way there with sing alongs and funny stories and allowing us to decide which route to take, through the city or ocean view. We played mini golf, where I somehow managed to get a hole in one and lose my ball in the same game. We swam in the ocean and laid in the sun and posed for silly pictures of fake shark attacks and riding on kiddie toys.We stopped on our way home and ate at Onos, a local sea food restaurant. After much resistance, I hesitantly tried raw fish for the first time and was not a fan like I was sure I would not be.

The following summer Ricardo and I and Chris and Manny and Senia and Maria, embarked on our own adventure piling in to his parent's suburban and started the two and a half hour drive, my sister and her boyfriend following along in his truck.

We played more mini golf and took up the arcade, watching the boys work up a sweat over Dance Dance Revolution. We ate strawberry funnel cakes, over flowing with powdered sugar and vanilla ice cream and walked up and down the boardwalk, taking in the overcast weather.

We stopped at Onos on the way home, trying to remember how to get there before GPS was on available on our smart phones. As we attempted to navigate, we wound our way down highway one during its reconstruction, with my sister leading the way. They entered a do not enter zone; their truck disappearing as we looked at each other in the suburban hoping there was not a cliff of the other side of the signs. We stopped to turn around as the sun set and hoped their car would return unharmed.

The truck headlights returned, after what seemed like forever and we gave up on our search for dinner, just as we passed it on the high way. We turned around and enjoyed some food, no fish for me this time around, accompanied by horrible service. We paid the bill leaving no tip and started walking to our cars, when the waiter approached us in his apron, stating because there was so many of us, we had to leave a mandatory tip, though it was not disclosed anywhere on the receipt or menu. We stood in disbelief, refusing to pay, when I gave in and paid what he said was owed to stop all the awkwardness of it all and vowing not to come back.

We laughed and drove home, almost getting crushed on our way in to San Francisco through the tunnel bridge.

And each year we have returned, Ricardo and I, a little older and a little more lured by its magic and fun and its symbol of summer and our youth. It is where we eventually said I do and ran in to its waves, wedding rings fresh on our fingers and my lips turning blue from its cold afternoon wind. It is a little spot in our story filled with sand and sun and enchantment.

Here's to all things summer.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/21/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/21/16

savoring the year: laying down my anxiety {21/365}

God has given us this season to enjoy. What fear or anxiety is keeping you from full life? What would it look like to lay it down?

It is incredible how subtlety insecurity can creep in without fully seeing it. It seems like when I feel I am trusting God, I turn around and see another hole where it is lacking and no matter how small the hole, there is still water seeping in and raising and I am left to pick up the buckets and pour more of myself out.

Ever since God started giving me glimpses and guidance towards starting a business and somehow binding it up with Pocket Blessings and bringing it out in to the community, anxiety started bubbling up too. The thought of it sounded great but the execution and day to day kept me hesitant and doubting a bit, as it is when I try to figure out everything. The down side of being analytical.

For me, starting a business means time away from my kiddos, which is hard but I also enjoy the entire creative process. Two fold, right. And then there is the selling and buying of products, something I have never liked to do. Giving is always my favorite and I would much rather give everything away than get a dollar. I do not have sales personality, not even in my left pinky toe.

The more I thought about it, as with anything, the more I questioned if this was really what God was calling us to. The more I wondered if this could really be right. The more I allowed doubt to win and trust to trail off in the distance.

It made me think back to Moses. He had bigger quests to accomplish but there is the sending and the call that always bring me back to obedience.

Did he try to figure it out before they left? Did Moses talk it over with his wife before he went to Egypt and make a plan about the way he would get to the palace? Or did he just throw caution to the wind, trusting the very words God had spoken and run towards the doors with Aaron? Did he go over the situation numerous times, seeing it played out in his head? These are the details I would love to hear the account of.

In the figuring it out, anxiety takes its best form as questions and solutions bring on more questions needing more answers. Perhaps that is my way of thinking.

When I started peeling back the layers and realizing the thoughts and insecurities that surrounded the endeavor, it turned me even more to listening to God and praying and reminding me to take each step as it comes. Trusting God above my own worries and knowing whatever this looks like, it is a stepping out in faith and making a way where there has not yet been foot prints.

It is an opportunity to be obedient and pray and fast and clearly seek God and allow my children to be a part of the ride, as they pray for those who will hear the Gospel for perhaps the first time and for those who will be inspired by the products.

It has been an opportunity to have friends pray for me and choose to lean on God, not my own understanding and insecurity, as getting things out in the open tends to do that. It is another opportunity for God to work in ways only he can and for me to watch it unfold before my eyes.

Here's to less anxiety and more trust.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/20/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/20/16

savoring the year: honesty's invitation {20/365}

Honesty gives others the freedom to be honest, as well, opening up the possibility of deeper connection and friendship.

Telling the truth was always instilled in me growing up and I did not like to lie. Until eight grade when it seemed like all I could tell was false things. It was easy and I did not care and the words seemed to roll off the tongue naturally that I hardly had time to think about what I was saying but it sounded good and feasible and I could keep straight faces and believable tones.

It was a season of being places I should not been and hanging out with people I should not have, which inevitably, why the lies were instilled and put in to place and had to be told. We were going to the library, though just the first stop. We were going to bed, only to sneak out our window. It was these sorts of half truths that my younger sister and I took on and found code words for and our own identity wrapped up in it because we were naive and it was fun and exciting and because of course we knew what was best for us.

After everything unraveled and the fun was over and the police escorted us home one night and other dominoes fell in to their proper place and we answered questions, while they were being recorded on police tapes, the lies were done. Sure, some of my questions on tape were not the full truth but that was the end.

I was over it, though the scars from the lies were ever infused in my parents; I could not be trusted and rightly so.

But I knew the truth and was determined from there on out to live it. To only say those things which were planned on occurring and had occurred. And that is how I base my life and relationships. Brimming with honesty, sometimes perhaps a little too honest at times.

Honesty has a way of pushing itself to the surface, whether now or later, and feels that much better when it is said, which is why I like it that much better.

Honesty has a way of keeping things open and vulnerable and in a spot allowing others see you for who you are. It gives them the opportunity to rally for or against you and possibly a reason to dislike you or dig their heels in with yours.

Honesty is relief and live giving and freeing on so many levels, one of them being the fact the story does not change, details may be forgotten and a little skewed the further as time passes but the bones are there, bare and in full view for other eyes to see. It gives power and cultivates unity and weaves threads of understanding between those who hear and receive it.

Here's to honesty and living like it matters.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/19/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/19/16

savoring the year: one step {19/365}

Do you have passion or energy or frustration that you don't know what to do with, or gifts that you suspect lie buried, untapped? What is just one step that you can take?

Right now, all of my energy and passion and gifts are being tapped in to and used to their core. Something I am enjoying and learning to balance and develop discipline, a process in it of itself that God has been graciously teaching me. Perhaps this is the honing in on my passions, in a sort of way. Learning how to make them work for me and simply enjoying them and not getting too critical of what they look like or how I would like them to be.

This writing project has been keeping words on the tips of my fingers and thoughts in my head bouncing around and made me feel more like a writer in the sense of the word. Knowing I have to write makes it a little harder but the commitment makes it that much more rich.

Some of the prompts I have not known where to start and have taken me longer to process. I have had to pray and dig deep and really remember things I had thought I long forgotten; a friend even commenting on how good my memory was. This made me laugh because my memory seems to be the thing I am constantly lacking in and forgetful is working its way up in my vocabulary. Like the text I never sent or the email that was never written or the forms that were left at home. Unless I write things down, they seem to disappear. But I digress.

Right now, the gifts are being tapped and prodded and flowing in to projects like this one and the small business we are working on and of course all the other little ones that I like to do with my children and for friends.

My creative outlets are becoming work but I think it is in the best of ways and something I am looking forward to continuing to play with. I have been learning to enjoy the learning process in creativity, like the time it has taken to learn the ropes of new programs for graphic design and figuring out new platforms for websites. It is all part of the process and not on the exact time line I had first imagined but there none the less, being formed and reigned in and let loose.

And only God knows how long they will last and if there are others that will come but for now, I am savoring the ones that are in my hands.

Here's to gifts and using them.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/18/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/18/16

savoring the year: running {18/365}

Sometimes we can guide each other along toward courage and heath. Who's done that for you? Who could you be a guide for in this season?

In college, I had a nutrition professor who was passionate about food, I cannot recall her name but her love for all things health and her slender build and long dark hair are engrained in my memory. Growing up, I always refused whole wheat, whole wheat anything. If it was brown and I would not touch it but after a few weeks in her class, she opened my eyes to health on another level with sprinkled vocabulary words like flax seed and saturated fat and whole wheat bread and flour made its way in to my cart and home with me. She brought in samples of recipes with muffins filled with carrots and apples and seeds that were surprisingly delicious and gave us all copies. I walked out of class eating my muffin and talking on the phone with Ricardo in amazement at the taste and ingredients.

A few years later, I regularly babysat two of the sweetest, calmest children I have ever known. For snack, I was ever cutting up apples and pears and peeling oranges and spreading sunflower butter on celery sticks topped with raisins and mixing bowls of nuts and dried berries. At this point, I was hardly eating fruits, besides Cuties and apples but as I cut and chopped, the aroma was so sweet and the pears were so juicy, I started purchasing them, too, enjoying each bite. Sunflower butter was a new concept, as peanut butter was always a staple growing up but it was delicious none the less, especially homemade with cinnamon and maple syrup mixed in. And nuts made a perfect snack, with a few chocolate chips.

Their mama was the first person I knew to do science experiments with Halloween candy; I had never heard of such a thing and it took me by surprise the day I came over to candy sitting on the counter with a list of ways to examine and dissolve them. Candies I had grown up eating and never thought twice about - except the time a classmate told me they were made in a science lab but I had no idea what he meant by that or that it was not natural for candy to be made that way. It sounded kind of fancy to me and tasted delicious.

But this time I thought more about it. Looking on the packages and realizing what I was consuming made it that much less appealing when I did not know what half the ingredients were.

A little while later, after Penny was born, she started getting rashes, which seemed to be triggered by certain foods, mainly those with preservatives and artificial colors. This made me evaluate what we were eating even more and drove me a little crazy and forced me to narrow our choices to healthier options with better ingredients and lots of fruits of vegetables, which I had thankfully already been exposed to and implementing in our diets.

When people are passionate about something, there tends to be a natural guidance towards it. I love how they showed me through their knowledge and expertise on the matter in the way they lived and treated their bodies. A sort of leading by example.

After all, are we really what we eat?

Here's to guiding and health.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/17/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/17/16

savoring the year: patron saint of changing your life {17/365}

Who has shown you how to handle change courageously, thoughtfully, proactively? How have you followed their example? Is there any area of your life in which you need to consider making a change?

Change is based on a series of events be decisions, some beyond our it control and others because of them.

I walked home from school with her on and off since junior high. We laughed and dreamed and discussed taking home recycled papers that belonged to a crush. Was that weird?!

Our freshman year was the last to have our feet hit the pavement together with home as the destination. Her dad passed and her mom was involved in not so legal things and her access to older boys and drugs lured her from the once A student to a different path entirely. The first time she told me about trying them, I hardly knew what to say except they were bad but the way she described them made seemed so harmless to her and I naively hoped she was right and I listened, though still sticking to the DAREs program slogan to just say no.

She eventually dove deeper and deeper, though she was still the same cheerful girl we knew and loved with a different address and in and out of motels.

Eventually she got pregnant and stayed in the same routine of meth and such. We visited her after the birth of her son, healthy and strong, not knowing the issues that mounted and were still bleeding through.

And then CPS got involved, removing her son from her care. It was an act of grace and the pivot in her story. The place where she knew what mattered and what didn't and what she wanted and what she was determined to get.

She cleansed herself of the drugs and illegal pursuits, eventually regaining custody of her son. She laid a new foundation of family first and did what she needed to do to find life again and breathe.

And for that, I truly admire her. For her willingness to better herself for the life of someone else and to listen to the call for help when the strings are cut and the bottom falls out, even from her own doing. To love someone so much that even though she let herself go due to choices and situations, she pulled herself back together to do whatever in her power to be the best her, even if it meant cutting out things and people she once thought made her happy.

And the same is true when we meet God. He loved us so much to send his Son and because of his love, our life is forever changed.

She serves as a reminder that change is always possible, especially with God. He is constantly working, even when we do not have eyes to fully see it but the miracle is clearly there to prove it.

And I have followed her example, too. Along with Jesus, my children have been my catalysts, as well. They have push me harder than anyone could to want to be better and have a heart to serve them selflessly and model what it looks like to love God and serve him first as the reason for it all. And about learning grace and patience. And to my knees in prayer. I think about what they see in my actions in the day to day and how that may affect their future and views and it keeps me grounded in prayer and trust in the Lord.

They have been the ones who have guided me unknowingly closer to Jesus, closer to a fuller life.

And she is my reminder that change is possible, no matter how bleak the outlook . It's never too late. Praying if you are going through something similar that God would give you the strength and support to endure and come out on the other side.

Here's to cha - cha - changes.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/16/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/16/16

savoring the year: the older-sister, tinkerbell voice {16/365}

If you find a friend who's wiser than you are and a few steps ahead of you on the path, it's a great gift to learn from her. Send a text or make a call today, thanking that friend. And take a minute to thank God for the mentors and guides he has placed in your life.

Ricardo and I did a brief stint in Washington state. We endured and enjoyed the rain and green trees and fourth of July fireworks under an umbrella. We had Googled local churches before we left and had a few names written down to check out but we never did.

Our first Sunday there, we headed to New Life, a church we had seen a little ways off on the way to my brother in law's karate class. We drove in to the parking lot that Sunday, greeted by volunteers directing us where to park, in my father in law's silver Mustang, toting a bite my shiny metal a** vinyl decal on the back window.

The ushers were sweet and informative and told us of an upcoming mixer of sorts for marriage small groups the next week. It was welcoming and sweet and homey, despite the large attendance numbers and multiple services and we went back the next week and on to the small group mixer. We ate yummy desserts and spoke with different couples who were leading; their dates and times and curriculum displayed next to them, along with a signup sheet with spots for up to five couples.

We met Duane and Robyn, who met on Sundays and were starting in the Grip of Grace by Max Lucado. The time was perfect and study appealing, so we wrote our names down next to Josh and Jenny, Justin and Brenda and another couple that could not commit. As we talked, he told us he was the children's pastor and had four children of his own. They were sweet and funny and full of life and entertainment, to say the least.

Our group dwindled down to Justin and Brenda, and Duane and Robyn and us, as far as regularity went after a while. Justin and Brenda had two young children who would play with Duane and Robyn's four, as we took turns meeting between each of their homes.

We were able to hear and see glimmers of parenting, a season we were on cusp of entering, though we had no idea at the time. We spoke of God and food and Justin and Duane made us laugh more than anyone I know during our short time, constantly keeping things real and genuine and humorous.

They demonstrated what it meant to love and serve God and how pass that legacy on to their children, along with an affinity for all things theater and Disney (speaking of, if you have any questions regarding Disneyland and your family, check out his wisdom and fun at theDisneylandDad.com)

Brenda allowed me to hang out with her two during the week when Ricardo was working, while she looked for job opportunities. We went on a few shopping adventures and took me to the east side of the state, where hardly any green or hills are found and even drove down from Washington to California when we moved back home, her two and half year old and nine month old in tow. Being a mom now, I realize the amount of love and crazy that it takes to embark on that type of adventure. And for that I am thankful.

She let me come over and let me in, as she drank coffee that she made in her Keurig, and talked about life and becoming a mom and having a traveling husband and her family dynamics and settling in to her new home and leading a bible study. She spoke of what God had done and was doing, as she navigated being newly unemployed after being laid off from her job.

It was in this brief snapshot of time, God allowed me to learn a few tips and stepping stones in to mamahood and what marriage looks like in that context, and blessed us with sweet friendship in a new place.

And though I do not ever think one can know all things that are gleaned in time spent together, I am forever thankful for each piece.

Here's to guidance and glimmers.

____________________________________________________

Tiffany Nicole 6/15/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/15/16

savoring the year: on losing the plot {15/365}

Do you ever lose the plot in your life? What helps you to recover? Ask God what he wants you to see today.

Losing the plot in life is easy to do with three small children to care for along with things like celebrations and meetings and a husband who is finishing up ordination classes and leading ministry and for a girl who loves to be home and just breathe, the plot can get skewed. Eyes can stray from the cross and grace and mercy to tired and self and analytical.

Losing the plot sometimes looks like sleepless nights and lack of sleep and giving in to grumpy. And then God reminding me how being tempted is not giving in to sin. How taking a minute to breathe and pray through the exhaustion, no matter how frustrated or angry, is not sin. Acting out the anger is sin. To lose my temper is giving sin its win but to grab another book, while frustrated at another long night of bedtime with a white flag ready to be raised, and holding him in my lap as I read and breathe, is not. It is resisting and enduring. It is dispersing mercy and capturing grace and smiles of my nearly inexhaustible children.

And sometimes it looks like insecurities and thoughts that are not true and combating them daily. Not giving in to their pressure and lies. And sometimes realizing that they wiggled their way in to sounding a bit like truth and taking a hard look at the black and white.

But there is this constant in losing the plot that always points back to Jesus. Sometimes the further lost, the easier it is to see the port in the storm and see how far it has drifted.

Recovery and focus have come in the form of rest, which has taken me three children to scratch the surface of. It has come through tears and tired eyes and understanding how much schedule and routine is vital for children to thrive, which directly effects my day to day and my ability to thrive.

It has come in the form of no for places I would love to go and people I would like to see and celebrate along side. It has come in the quiet of the morning, buried in my bible before the children have had a chance to peak at the day. It has come in the reminder to eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow is not certain and today could be the last.

It has come with the intentions of hanging a banner of FUN hanging over my day, to remember to relax and have enjoy and nothing is as serious as it may appear, as long as everyone has breath and health.

Here's to plots and recovering and God guiding the way.

____________________________________________________

Tiffany Nicole 6/14/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/14/16

savoring the year: the newborn fog {14/365}

There's nothing like a gathering of close friends to refresh and strengthen us. Who are the people who restore you most? Take a minute to thank God for them.

Becoming a mama is an adventure in of itself with the endless transition and figuring out how to make dinner with a fussy baby and how get to and from Target in time for feedings, lest car feedings occur and which is the best product for baby eczema and it is hard to imagine going through it totally alone. Having wiser women who have been there is a plus but there is something about having the comradery of the new mom transition that makes it that much sweeter and less crazy.

When we found out we were pregnant with Penny, our circle hardly included any one with children but within a few months, newer friends joined the adventure and we were due within two months of each other.

We bonded over conversations of pregnancy and how many weeks along we were and all the developmental stages that came with them and different things we had read about labor. We talked about our OBGYNs and how the birthing process works and which hospital would be the one.

I gave birth to Penny in June and Luuk arrived seven weeks later and Gavin entered the world at the end of August, merely four weeks after.

And just like that, we started navigating our new roles as Mamas, leaving our jobs and figuring out what life now looked like. We exchanged stories of sleepless nights and products that were amazing or just funny, like the pee pee teepees, and what was not working and everything in between. I admired their baby's ability to take three hour naps and they took note of Penny's early verbal skills.

We had play dates, when our schedules and naptimes aligned. And the babies grew and we learned and laughed and wondered if we would ever get sleep again. And in the blink of an eye, they out grew nursing and bottles and diapers, giving us opinions and word in return.

We learned a lot about ourselves and what it means to care for another, who cannot care for themselves and that the only thing that is predictable is change. Once we got something down, they started crawling or getting another tooth or learned to walk and what worked before was no longer helpful. Tips and tricks of things we read in parenting books or online from the experts have been passed around and tried out for what they are worth. And all along the way, we were there for sounding boards and prayers and life.

And as our babies have grown, so has our circle of mama friends. New ones have joined and others have since left, leaving memories and taking parts of our hearts. Play dates are pure chaos and coffee these days, as they play alongside siblings, who graced us with their presence in a similar fashion a second time, as well.

And for them I am ever thankful, along with all the other sweet mamas who have become part of the network of play dates and park friends and library goers. Mamahood would not be as fun without you and yours.

Thank you.

____________________________________________________

Tiffany Nicole 6/13/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/13/16

savoring the year: scraps of wisdom {13/365}

There is much wisdom to be found in discussion with good-hearted friends. Who are the people in your life that guide you along the way?

So far, this has been one of the tougher to answer questions. Perhaps it is trying to narrow it down to a few people or a person and saying this is the guide. Or maybe just really digging deep in to thinking about who guides me, who I allow to direct my path and influence me, something I do not think about often enough. For the saying about who you hang out with is who you are, is surely applicable here. Though, I am truly surrounded by some amazing people, who I am thankful to be influenced by, whether consciously or not.

Our last season of life group or small group or home church or whatever you would like to refer to our weekly meeting as, was an eclectic group that only God could have orchestrated, as each one has been.

But this one has been different. It has been smaller with deeper conversations and discussions about life and God and theology and sermons knit together with a lot of time spent collectively in prayer.

This past season has been one of learning and listening and excitement as God has shown up and allowed each person to pour out their hearts about what God has been doing and what God has been speaking to them about. Each coming in to the conversation with different backgrounds and stage in life and a rich transparency in their character.

We went through studies and questions but each discussion seemed to form a life of its own and winded its way down a path we could not known to go if we tried. Organically birthed through the Spirit.

This season, they have guided me and prayed for me and listened as we knelt in prayer with hands grasped and eyes closed and petitioned to God. They have come along on our journey each week as we scratched the service of learning about healing and what that looks like and as we sought direction in the possibility of starting abusiness. They have been an amazing community and I am ever grateful for each Tuesday night that they have shown up at our door.

And of course there are so many others, too, that I simply cannot name. Little anchors built in to friendships and family ties that steer to straighter paths. Thank you for listening and praying and guiding me towards Jesus.

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Tiffany Nicole 6/12/16 Tiffany Nicole 6/12/16

savoring the year: feeding babies + telling stories {12/365}

Some words are only spoken face-to-face. That's one reason time with friends from far away is so precious.

I still call the girls I hung out with in junior high friends. We shared teachers and sodas and french fries and walks home and crushes and all the in between.

There is Maria, lover of Lucas (the flavored salt candy) and all spicy / salty Mexican candy that I really do not consider to be candy. She fights for what she wants and lives hard and keeps going no matter what. She battled leukemia in the beginning of high school. When the diagnosis came, she was close to death's door but by God's grace she fought hard and her body healed; though the entire time we hardly understood the severity. At fifteen death was foreign and far off and we assumed she would be back and she was, rocking an awesome wig and her ever contagious smile.

Then there is Sara. She once was a rebel without a cause but truly likes to stay in line; once shedding tears over getting a B on a math test. She was the first to leave and gave birth to the sweetest boy before graduation. She has known the darkness and loss and drugs but she knows what it is like to be on the opposite side, to get clean and back on her feet and fight for her baby. She is a rock star of a mom and determined to finish what she has started and does it grace.

Kristina is our token Asian friend and we share the same family heritage of adobo and rice. Her beautiful, long, straight black hair and denim skirts were her staples, until Senia cut it off. I had passed them to Senia, not wanting to be the one responsible for cutting off her rules and religion. She and Senia turned me on to thrift stores on our trip to Goodwill to purchase her first pair of pants, brown and straight leg that fit like they were made for her. She is one of the best writers I know and truly has the sweetest heart and best intentions. She once took care of a boyfriend who smashed his face while skateboarding. Enough said.

Then there's Senia. She and I didn't hit it off too well in the beginning and I thought she hated me. Naturally, I had to ask Sara if she did and once we got it all sorted out we went on to sharing more cake and ice cream and drinks and late nights than I can remember. She is killer with a paint brush and baking and knows how to handle a pair of scissors and hair. She was my stylist throughout high school and I have always admired her ability to cut and dye her own hair.

And then after high school, we met Julie, the sister of my sister's then boyfriend. She is funny and a talented artist and so awesome that we almost forget she did not roam C hall with us or pile in to Senia's navy blue, Chevy Malibu to go to lunch. Julie is always calm and collected and one of the best listeners I know. She knows every Weezer song and is amazing with a tattoo gun, even on herself. She is 100% in whatever she does and loyal; she always shows up and is where she says she will be, even if it means changing her own tire in the dark on the side of the road to get there.

We have lived across state lines and in various cities but the commonality and thread is always there, no matter how long it has been since our last gathering. There is nothing like getting together with laughter and conversations, especially over cake.

Here's to being face-to-face and friendship.

____________________________________________________

tiffany garza 5/2/16 tiffany garza 5/2/16

meet julie steck, an interview + no more secrets

I met Julie and her friend, Jennifer in the hotel Starbucks when I attended the Allume Conference last fall. I ordered a drink and was planning on taking in the downtown view from the outside patio, soaking in just being there across the country - childless, without any expectations and a God adventure on my sleeve (I have found it is easier to be open to these sorts of things when traveling alone, be to it to the grocery store or library or across the country, wherever it leads) but as I waited for my name to be called, I started talking to Julie and Jennifer.

They invited me to enjoy the morning with them on the patio and I agreed. They were sweet and real and hospitable, even in an unfamiliar Starbucks. We spoke of God and life and our children and the fact we had no idea what we were doing at this conference, all as first time attendees but knew that this is where God was calling us to at this moment in time.

Julie is one of those easy to talk to people and real and deep and speaks with love and grace. Her heart is in each word she says and her authenticity is evident. She cares for her family and people and what God is doing in each person.

She shared about her book she was working on and we exchanged contact info, as we indulged in the last of our drinks and parted ways.

We have stayed in touch and she was gracious enough to share part of her journey in the Hearing God series at the beginning of the year. And now I am super excited to announce that the message that God has put on her heart to share, which is never easy to share, is being released today in her first book, No More Secrets: Set Free from Fear, Shame and Control by Discovering True Grace.

I was blessed with the privilege to get an advanced copy of the book a few weeks ago and read it through in one night. I love Julie's honesty and transparency to be herself and share issues that she has overcome through Christ. We do not all have the same struggles or the same fears but her message reaches past the actual struggle to the freedom from whatever is holding us back. Freedom that is found and rooted and Christ. Julie was sweet enough to let me pick her brain about her new book, so without further ado, here she is.

-interview-

How did God lead you in to compiling your experiences in to a book?

Writing is how I process. So during this year of intense struggle, I filled my journal with thoughts, prayers and examples of all God taught me through His Word. I started blogging again and shared some of my journey there. One day I was sitting at the computer and I heard the Lord say, Ok, I want you to compile it all. I thought about it for weeks, and I couldn’t shake the sense that I was to turn this journey into a book.

I didn’t know if compiling it was for my continued processing and healing or if it would one day be a published book. So I just kept taking the next step. When I finished compiling everything I had written during that year, and read over it all several times, I put it away for a few months, continuing to pray for God’s guidance.

One day the next step was clear: find an editor. I found a writers’ group nearby, and so decided to check it out. My first time there, I hoped to just observe, but quickly found out I was the only one with material to read. Before I started reading, I told the leader, “I feel like God is asking me to make this a book. So I want you to tell me if you think it has that potential.” When I finished reading the first chapter, she confirmed, yes, this could definitely be a book.

On the way home, I was unable to contain the tears from spilling down my cheek, totally overwhelmed at what God had put in front of me. The publishing process itself made me want to quit so I tried complaining to God about how I can’t do this. After I finished whining, I remember Him saying, But do you trust me? I decided then, my job was to write and what happened after that was up to Him.

Now here we are. He provided a wonderful editor that challenged me and pushed me to be more specific about my struggles. He carved out time for me to focus on finishing this project and I look forward to seeing what He does with these words.

"We think our church friends only want to hear the good stuff. We think we need to be strong for them and not let them see us hurting. Now we don’t have to wallow in self-pity, but we can be real. We must be real. We all need a place to share our brokenness, our temptations, and ask for prayer and help to overcome.: (No More Secrets) How has letting go of your fears and shame changed your friendships and yourself as a friend?

It’s funny you ask about friends. Circumstances in my life have changed so much over the last year that it’s actually been a lonely time for me. That plus all the time behind the computer it takes to write a book, I feel like my personal friendships have suffered.

I will say that the year I wrote this book, I identified fear of man as a big stronghold in my life. I care about what people think of me and I hate it when my actions negatively affect someone else.

Sometimes even our obedience can do that. The Proverb says “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” We sharpen each other while we walk out what we sense God asking us to do. God had to break this fear of man in me so I will look to His approval over the approval of my friends. This has hurt a few friendships lately and been very difficult.

"I just have to trust Him. Words that are so much easier to write than actually live out each day. To just keep walking when the road ends takes faith." (No More Secrets) What does trusting God look like practically in your life now and how has that changed since you were younger?

I would say earlier in my walk with God I had a set of expectations of how, when, and where I wanted God to answer my prayers. I expected Him to do certain things and when He didn’t, I grew frustrated.

I’ve learned to turn my expectations into expectancy. He hears my prayers and wants to answer me. He just may not do it like I want, when I want. Expectancy knows He will answer, and is eagerly on the lookout for how that will play out.

How have you grown since writing the book?

Oh goodness, I’ve grown leaps and bounds in this whole process. Dealing with fear is an on going process for me, rather than a once-and-for-all done deal. It seems to come in waves, but I’m getting quicker at recognizing fear’s footprints and dealing with it before it paralyzes me.

What is your biggest take away for readers?

As long as we walk this earth, we’re going to be tempted. Often this temptation comes in the form of what we thought we could never do. Temptation itself is not sin, but temptation is not something to take lightly or think we are strong enough to handle. It wants to destroy us!

I love my husband’s illustration I share in the book about living life in a round room. A round room has no corners. Everything must be brought to the center and dealt with. It’s much easier to handle difficult issues when we know exactly what we’re dealing with.

This topic isn’t talked about much in the Christian community, especially when it comes to thinking too much about the opposite sex. That’s almost taboo. My prayer is that we can find the courage to talk about these issues and get them in the light. I see affairs affecting more and more families and it all starts in the mind. We have to figure out how to handle our thoughts and the temptations Satan sets for us, otherwise they turn into sin and eventually death.

_____________________________________________________________________________

A special thanks to Julie for sharing her story. You can find more about Julie on her blog, Facebook page and of course in her book available on Amazon.

Tiffany Nicole 4/21/16 Tiffany Nicole 4/21/16

back in to the rhythm

I have heard people say gifts and talents change over the course of time and for some, perhaps that is true. But I have come to find that it is more like a funneling system. Putting in all the things you have tried or want to try and experimenting and seeking God through it all. Everything goes down but not everything fits. Not everything fits in to our lives, in our schedules or makes sense in this season. But at the core, the core of our being, are things we were designed to do that make us feel fully alive. We may suppress them or deny them or confuse them with something else that pays better is more conveniently located but they are still there. Just waiting. Waiting to spring to life. Waiting for birth.

I like to think that the roots start somewhere in childhood, intermingled in the day dreams of what you wanted to be when you grew up and in the ways you spent your time and the hobbies you pursued and the classes you looked most forward to or the things that came most naturally. The things that kept you up at night trying figure out or explore or work on. One more brush stroke. One more pitch. One more song. One more equation. One more mile. One more speech. One more. One more.

The words discovering and yourself , when put next to each other, have always seemed so silly, with an awkward connotation; as if you are a thing you have to explore and in the background the song Normal, from Nightmare on Puberty Street plays, questioning "Am I Normal?" It is here that you lose the best of yourself, taking yourself for granted because those things are easy and everyone can do them.

But the reality is, not everyone can do that and those are the things that make you, uniquely you. And some discovering is in order. An uncovering and prodding and digging of sorts. It is coming to a place of truly understanding yourself. Coming to understand what makes your heart jump and what makes your eyes take a double look and what makes you feel most alive. What makes you pray harder and takes you out of yourself. What makes you feel closest to God and makes you depend on him more. Doing what you love and loving what you do. There is a reason. And for some, you may earn a paycheck from it and for some you will never see a penny and it may cost you everything but gives birth to life, truly living and that is worth it.

For me, writing is one of those things. It reminds me of all the words out there to play with that are at my fingertips. It is inspiration bouncing around thoughts and grabbing my phone to write them down before they fall off the edge. Writing is engrained somewhere in my DNA, next to ice cream lover and doodler and maker of sorts.

There are seasons of blank papers and others brimming to overflowing and it has not always been so clear how it makes me tick but that has been part of the process and prodding and fun of discovery. The light bulb turning on and God's guidance and confirmation.

It is the breaks that so often give way to the birthing process. Breaks are good and essential but always a tell tale sign when you get back to it. It could be the realization the project / work / job / hobby / insert something else here, was not life giving or needs to go in another direction or something you truly missed. An absence in your soul.

And for me, with each key hit, it is as if rainbows and sunbeams are bursting from the key board and life is coming back in to existence, back in to the rhythm. Not always. But those days are the best.

Here's to funneling and prodding and discovering.

Tiffany Nicole 4/8/16 Tiffany Nicole 4/8/16

whole: five minute friday

I have yet to participate in a Five Minute Friday post. A post where a word is given out and you take five minutes to write whatever comes to mind right them. Just five minutes and no editing. Timed writing always seems to make my head swirl and lack focus, an area that needs improvement, so I finally decided to give it a try (though I thought I had before). Not to mention, Ricardo challenged me to post something this week and I always love a challenge and I have missed setting time to write lately. So here is what whole and five minutes look like to me.

_____________________________________

My birthday weekend was spent with a suprise-ish trip to Redding, complete with an Art Sozo class and trip to Bethel Church, staying at a cutest little Air BnB, with an amazing view of the city. I had never heard of a Sozo, ultimately thinking were doing a similar art concept to Paint Night. They have a picture to draw and show you step by step.

But that is nothing of the sort and we were in for a fun surprise. As it turns out, a Sozo is about healing and wholeness and God bringing out it all and when you add art to the mix, it is a canvas for him to show you in a visual form. Always healing.

Our first exercise to use the paint involved colors and shapes and God showing what four feelings were revealed in each. Anger. Peace. Sadness. Joy.

For me, sadness was not being whole Sadness was all things blue and in the shape of a macaroni noodle. Little semi circles, incomplete and lacking wholeness.

Being whole is a process of healing and God and self reflection. It is being empowered and driven towards God and people and loving yourself right where you are at. Something God has taken me through and continues to draw out.

You can join the fun with #fmfparty here.

Tiffany Nicole 12/24/15 Tiffany Nicole 12/24/15

r is for repentance.

John the Baptist came before. He prepared the way for Jesus. He was not the one but pointed the way to the One who was coming to take away sin. John preached of repentance and baptism. He came eating bugs and honey and clothed in animal hide. He was not adorned in fancy robes and tassels telling of his position, rather wearing what God had provided and adorned.

John taught repentance to all who came out to the desert to see him. When the Pharisees and the Sadducees - the religious leaders of the time, those leading the synagogues and teaching God's people - came to see him, he tells them to bear fruit in keeping with repentance (Matthew 3: 8).

Repentance is an important factor in being in relation with God and bearing his fruit - doing his will. Lacking repentance builds blockages that only asking for forgiveness can tear down. Repentance comes when we are willing to lay down pride and accept responsibility and turn to God.

Communication with God is like a stream, rushing through its path, free flowing and following the grooves of the earth, while our sin and unrepentance is that of a dam, blocking the water's flow. With each new dam, our communication is coming to a standstill, while our hearts are hardened from God and our prayers hindered (1 Peter 3:7).

In order to bear fruit, we must search our hearts and be open to repenting and hearing God.

We must be full of humility to confess our failures and short comings and whatever leads us in to sin. Without humility, our relationship with God can turn in to an elephant in the living room sort of thing, where issues are not addressed and we distance ourselves from his love and grace and mercy, cutting ourselves off from communing with him, our life blood. Our ears close off to the still small voice of the Spirit and our hearts reject his promptings.

We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of (Romans 3:23) but He is faithful and just to forgive if we turn and confess every unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Jesus died for our sins, paying our debt before we breathed our first breath. When we trust in Jesus, we are washed as white as snow, though repentance is still needed.

Praying that whatever your state of communing with God is, that you would take a moment to ask if there is anything that needs to be confessed and forgiven. Praying that your heart would be open to the leading and discipline and grace that is poured out and that you would be strengthened and renewed and refreshed.

Praying that God's kindness would lead you to repentance (Romans 2:4) and that his favor would be your desire. Praying that your prayers would not be hindered but rather powerful and effective as you surrender yourself to God. Praying that you would be obedient in his leading and that you would bear fruit, whatever exciting adventures God has in store for you.

Here's to repentance and bearing fruit.

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