I have no idea how it came about. Perhaps an article. A comment. A movie. Really I have no clue. Maybe that is a good thing. As long as I can remember, I have never liked to cry, especially in front of people. It always seemed so weak. And weak was not something I wanted to be associated with.
My freshman year of high school, my oldest brother moved back home from out of state and brought his girlfriend with him. Crying seemed to be part of her everyday ritual and I could not understand it. Needless to say, she and I did not kick it off. She missed her friends and family back home. I could care less. My empathy ran real deep. Get over it. I got so annoyed one day I told my little sister that she was a not-so-very-nice word, who in turn told my mama and her. When I came home that evening my mama approached me about it. His girlfriend sat in tears, yet again, but this time caused by me. I was forced to apologize. I am sure I got some sort of punishment but I cannot recall. The images of standing there so angry and annoyed are etched in to my memory. Angry my sister told on me. Angry there was more crying. Angry I said it out loud. I had no compassion. No remorse. No feelings but anger.
Over the course of my high school years, emotions bottled up. I didn't care. Didn't know where to place them. Didn't want to put them anywhere. So I wrote. I wrote a lot. About divorce. About not having an address to my name or my own bed to sleep in. And that cute boy in class. Perhaps too much time was spent on him. About the long car rides in the hideous car and crazy girlfriends. All mixed with a lot of anger and frustration and not understanding. Not able to do anything about my situation.
Somewhere I lost feeling. I lost compassion and empathy. I didn't cry. At least not in front of anyone on the off chance it occurred. My little sister would tell me I had a heart of stone. In a way, she was right.
Then I met Jesus. He has been working on my heart ever since. I remember one day in college group one of the girls brought in a newspaper with a tragic event running the headlines. I couldn't care less about it. She asked for us to pray for the situation. She really cared about it, even though it had nothing to do with her. That was moment God showed me that my heart was stone. That was the moment I prayed for God to change it. To really care about others. To pray for those who ask for it and those who do not. Allow me to truly feel. When you go so long without feeling you forget what it's like. And how strong you actually have to be to deal with the emotions that burst on the scene at any given moment of life.
God is still working on my heart. He's been showing me crying is not all bad. That crying in joyful moments is okay, too. How righteous anger and anger are two completely different things and how to deal with them both. So thankful for a God who answers prayers and doesn't leave you how he found you.
White as Snow by Jon Foreman was running through my head as I wrote this, so I must share. Music is embedded in my being and this one is on my heart daily. Have a listen.
Would You create in me a clean heart
Oh God
Restore in me
The joy of Your salvation
Praying God touches your heart and changes you from who you are today, not that you are bad today but because God is in the business of making good things better.
